Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Wat I look back at with most amazement is love….how fast did we go through it…those initial glances…to actually speaking…then to try and get hold of the number (landline in the good old days) …thinking of a good excuse (usually it falls face flat…no matter how much u think!)…a blank call, if the mom/dad picks up…then you curl the wire around your fingers…waiting….and then call again, picks up…put up the excuse ( it already sounds so lame in your head!), but they buy it neway ….then pacing up and down the room as the conversation moves away…. Mom screaming and sister nagging….doesn’t matter…a few more minutes of bliss…Dad walks in, phone goes on Mute…they ask if something is wrong… say “nothin” with the most cheerful voice…know that it has to end now, you say bye, they say bye….then small talk again, abt when you meet in class next and what notes to give…more wire twisting ( there’s not much left of it!) and then byes again…good nite and sweet dreams (even if its bloody evening!)…and the phone is kept….big smile…mom still screaming, sister still nagging…but it doesn’t mean nething nemore…smile remains….I’ve just known wat heaven feels like….
And to think…I’ve lived throught it…and its all history now….Time flies….but memories remain….and what wonderful memories….
The art of losing isn't hard to master;
Friday, August 10, 2007
You can go visit Amu's blog, to feed her fishes...or you can go get your own animations at A.Bowmann's wonderful site.
And its carrying on and moving forward that’s life. We see people with a big broad smile, we see people with a perpetual brood, and the difference lies not in how their lives are shaped, but how they want to see it! My concepts, my beliefs…my confidence in making the best of my day… today and tomorrow is wat brings a smile to me. I have a dream….that gives me all – passion, excitement, courage…. and much much more!
Song on my mind right now…. Junoon – By Abhijeet Sawant
Thursday, August 09, 2007
I came across this saying and I have been doing a lot of thinking abt it since then….jst marveling at the fact that it is so true. Since time immemorial, we’ve been taught to think and do wat is right – but there’s no definition of “right”…its not a certainty, its jst a feeling. And that feeling is again based on your family, your upbringing, your social status, your peers, and your competitors… that can be permutated and combined in a million ways. So much so, given the same set of conditions, me and someone else would differ on their definition of right and wrong. There is truth that can lead us and there’s knowledge to guide us, but they are jst means to reach an end, and the end u want to reach, is solely decided by you.
When I was younger, I used to hate debates especially the ones where I was against the motion on some very generally accepted topic – I used to think of it as a perfect waste of time, trying to un-convince a certain set of very convinced people abt how wrong their idea is! But, it’s a blessing in disguise; it gave me the power to think abt more than wat meets the eye, think straight abt wat I was thinking and not be a part of the herd. And since the day I realized that, I always find myself in these heated debates or discussions (as some subtly put it), and always find myself at the side, which has the fewest takers. Its interesting to see how a society’s perception is imbibed in our thought process. I can’t say these people don’t think for themselves, but then I have to say their thought is methodically stemming from the years of rote learning abt right and wrong, from family, friends and society at large…in some cases, they are tolerant to hear everyone out…some are well, psychologically ear muffed, so whatever u say falls on deaf ears! Its so much easier to be a part of the herd- there’s hardly opposition at most times, unless u bump into people like me. I remember reading this line in a Novel – the author described people are like “Coca Cola Bottles” – there are so many all around the world and you can’t distinguish one from the other…because they are like robots, they lack thought and questioning and that makes them unrecognizably similar.
A friend of mine recently commented, that my life is so happening and so different and if properly told cud sell off for a novel – I had no clue how to react to it and took it as a compliment. My life is abt my choices, caring little abt wat the others expect me to do, think it’d be right…and doing wat I feel good about. However, it was these friends only, who’ve advised me ( though I haven’t been most receptive) , whom I have battled on coffee tables for hours, when they have jst gotten up and said – “U are impossible. When will u think straight??” and I had the devilish grin thinking “And when will you think???”
The only thing I feel for such friends is pity…how they go on with life without thinking…following wat others have to say, taking life in black and white and missin out on the grey…aah the greys…wat fun wud life be without the greys…they can be white or black…but I’d prefer them grey….but as they say to each one…his own!
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
I remember a particular conversation in the book about love and fidelity...they are two different concepts which are often used together… but wat the author proposed was that these are different entities in themselves. Late last nite, I had a conversation with a friend regarding this…he’d long ago told me that love and sex are different, u mite love someone and somebody u had sex with can jst be an act of our most primal instinct, our life’s real purpose…raise the younger ones, till they time they find their mates and have kids and the circle continues….And it made sense! It got me thinking – is loyalty and fidelity really over-rated in society?? I was also of the opinion that Fidelity is definitely part of a romantic relationship…but is it important…can’t u be primal in your instincts and still be in love! Humans are animals, we’re more blessed than most other animals with the power to think and find purpose and communicate. But primarily , our function is to reproduce…it can be argued that there are far more worthy things to do in life…but I’m talking basic…point blank!
I’ll tell u wat I used to think, that I wanted to get into a relationship (physically) when I’m in love and it’s the most natural thing to do …and I thought that was supposed to guarantee u sumthing…like a pit stop in a race…that now u have gone 40 laps and u have another 20 to complete before u get married…and that’s it…that’s one race over! (For many these two pit stops can be kinda re-arranged.) But I’ve been there…done that…I know its hardly any guarantee, its not a stamp on a person, infact its absolutely nothing…its one of those ways we’ve been taught to think! Its jst a primal instincitive act…and that’s wat it is. Infact even a few days back, I used to think, this is one guy I crossed a threshold with, my pit stop…so now its on to the second…but its not going newhere….so what, I’ve got to make this work, coz I crossed my first pit stop and the only way to go now is to finish the race…get married! But it doesn’t culminate there…its not supposed to…infact it is as naive to think as a “happily ever after” story!
I don’t advocate promiscuous relationships but at the same time, I know there can be more people I can fall in love with…I don’t have to spend my entire life with sumone coz I decided to go ahead and take the plunge…
There are no guarantees in life…and the only thing constant is change…even in relationships, when u think u have crossed the final frontier….actually, there’s no final frontier!
Btw, I do recommend the book, it has an amazing take on the most important things in life...at some times it can resound through the hollowness of our thoughts and sometimes, it can give an entire new perspective to them! Do read it if u can get hold of it...
Monday, June 25, 2007
by NITHYANANDA SRI PARAMAHAMSA...sumthing pretty much in line with my last post:
"ACCORDING to the sacred Hindu scriptures, the Upanishads, as long as you work with ego, you will think that life has got a purpose and run behind the purpose.
When you realise the beauty of the purposelessness of life, you have dropped your ego. A man with ego searches with purposes and misses the reality. He misses the beauty of Existence.
The way you live your life you do not understand how purposeless it is. What you think as worthy is not worthy, what you think as being purposeful is not purposeful. Your ego constantly strives for purpose. In doing so it misses the reality of the present.
You need to understand the purposelessness of your goals and ambitions. What you think are the greatest treasures to obtain in this world are meaningless.
Desires for material assets grow each time a desire gets fulfilled. We are fuelled by fear, greed, lust and jealousy in constantly expanding our wants. These desires bring with it guilt and suffering. This is no life. This is not the purpose of life.
When you drop your goals in life, then you start realising the divine purpose, the divine play. You start enjoying the drama, without being part of it, and life becomes meaningful. You become a witness, and not a player, and bliss happens.
Living your life blissfully is the ultimate goal of your life. There can be no other goal or purpose. When you run after other goals you stop experiencing life; you are already dead. Your ego masks this true purpose of life from you. When you realise the purposelessness of what you do, a new consciousness awakens within, a joy fills you, Bliss simply happens.
Life itself is the path, not the goal. When you have a goal, you will run and when you run, your feet will not touch the ground and you will miss the beauty of Existence or nature. When you drop the goal, the emphasis will be on the path.
Sacrificing one’s life for the sake of the goal is not the way to live. If you live this way, only the payday will be sweet. Life has to be lived with satisfaction every moment. Else every time you achieve any goal, you will only repent that you have wasted life on something insignificant. Drop the goal and enjoy life."
Friday, June 22, 2007
Sunday, June 17, 2007
My life is back to where i started from afresh, some two years back...with my best friend on a new journey...the journey seems to have ended far too soon that i had imagined..and i am left by myself again!Looking back, I can say I did give it my all,but wasn't good enough i guess. I have to be content with that, there's nothing i can change.I am not going to swallow sleeping pills, or slash my wrist or jump off...if sympathy is what brings him back, then I'll be even more sure that I never deserved him!
Its been a week, and most of my friends don't know.Am not sure i want them to know,ne sympathy is surely going to take my smile away from me...am moments away from bursting, trying to absorb the best of my day...each of these days!
Though I have learnt one great lesson, to keep adding value to yourself, not in terms of what u mean to people, but do things that are important to you, coz those are the things that are truly yours and nobody can take that away from u.
But I have to start again, i thought i was right this time, turns out it takes more...i wait for tomorrow with my arms wide open...hoping it gives me more strength to carry on and chart my own path!I just hope i don't try running away again...
Friday, June 15, 2007
And after you are with “the one”- why do the choices disappear, why aren’t they in consideration anymore. Why cant you not go the movie if u don’t want to, why can’t you wear red if you want to, why can’t you go to a party thrown by your friend (that he/she doesn’t like)?? Why do we become chained to “have to” or “should” suddenly, when the reason you are together in the first place is because you wanted to! We all say, its about compromising – I’d say hell why?
You take on the entire world to be together and then you compromise….why oh why, did you make that choice???
Sunday, June 10, 2007
"....Money! A special piece of paper, decorated in sombre colours, which everyone agreed was worth something- and she believed it, everyone believed it – until you took a pile of that paper to a bank, a respectable, traditional, highly confidential Swiss bank and asked: ‘Could I buy back a few hours of my life?’ ‘No Madam, we don’t sell, we only buy!’
Maria was woken from her delirium by the sounds around her. ‘But this can’t be exactly an earth-shattering discovery. Everyone must know what I feel. They must know.’
But they didn’t. She looked around her. People were walking along, heads down, hurrying off to work, to school, to the employment agency, to Rue De Berne, telling themselves: ‘I can wait a little longer. I have a dream, but there’s no need to realize it today, besides I need to earn some money.’ Of course, everyone was spoke ill of her profession, but basically, it was all a question of selling her time, like everyone else. Doing things that she didn’t want to do, like everyone else. Putting up with horrible people, like everyone else. Handing over her precious body and her precious soul in the name of the future that never arrived, like everyone else. Saying that she still didn’t have enuf, like everyone else. Waiting just a little bit longer, like everyone else. Waiting so that she could earn just a little bit more, postponing the realization of her dream, she was too busy right now, she had great opportunities in front of her!.... "
Exactly why he is one of my favourite authors, he tries to get the world to discover things they already knew..but conveniently choose to forget again!
Saturday, June 09, 2007
In the 22 years of my existence...i have made lotsa plans...right from when to study wat ( i remember a diary full of dates and time that i cud almost never stick to!), to planning my wardrobe for a trip ( half the clothes i carried, i never wore!), to planning how to appear dressed at my best ( this would involve very tedious plans...and it turns out 9 out of 10 times, that I'm either over or under dressed...can't strike the balance on that one yet!)
So my plans ended up going not the way i wud want them...so then i junked planning!
Being the optimist that I am... i though maybe living life for the moment is the right mantra! my life always had a simple principle...everyday is a brand new day! When I read "Gone with the Wind" a few months back, i realised this was a thought that me and Scarlett 'O' Hara shared. I got into the tribe of people who work hard and party harder...every new day was spend doing better than yesterday... days turned to weeks to months and the calender pages kept turning...till the time i was trying so hard at outdoing myself that I cudn't recollect if it was at all what i wanted to do!
So, what did i want to do... lemme see...
- I don't want big bucks...in fact I pity rich people who spend all their time earning the money and losing wat is imp in life...time!
- I don't want to be on top pf the corporate ladder, coz i know to be on the top, I have to displace sumbody... that is the easy part...but stying there, there'll be jst too many people waiting to displace me...and that's a harrowing thought!
- I wanna live life in peace...reading and dancing...my two passions in life...but to be able to do that I'd have to be too rich or marry too rich!
There can be more to wat i wanna do...but the idea as u see is pretty perplexing...I always thought I'd know this by the time I am 22. I'd magically be a smart young exec in office by the day, the rocker at nite, a mellow soul cuddled in my couch at my own home listening to soft instrumental, a bespectacled reader sipping tea at Cha Bar not bothered abt the world around her....but I'm nothing yet...and as much I chase them I don't come any closer.
The world around me says.."just be yourself"...but am not sure if I'd really want the world to know who I am...
I'm still trying to find out wat it is like to be " jst me"..